It has been a long while since I last posted on this blog of mine, having truly only used it for course requirements back in the day. I have had a great deal happen in the time since then, from leaving a long-term, unhealthy relationship in order to recover my own mental faculties, dropping out of my graduate program for related reasons, and eventually moving into an apartment in order to work for a time. I’ve been lucky in some regards, having found a job that utilizes the skills I picked up over my design education and it being a relaxed atmosphere. I’ve been unlucky in the fact that it took me around two years (arguably longer) to recover enough from depression back into a background melancholy, and that the work I’m employed in is bereft of meaning. 

Only within the past few months have I truly started to feel more like myself. It began with a friend providing the means to have a spiritual experience, which melted away my mind’s build-up of mental plaque and reminded me of what it felt like to smile naturally again. This wore off with time, as I realized that my core problems weren’t delusions generated by melancholy, they were real. The working world, particularly here in the US, severely lacks a sense of profound meaning. It focuses on short-term gain and individual growth, any sense of long-term sustainability and community left on the wayside of an unwalkable urban shopping district, choking on fumes. I realized that the way I was currently forced to live my own live, out of necessity, was almost entirely in conflict with the principles I follow. The mental plaque was gone, the fog cleared, but the black dog of depression returned. 

Growth was apparent, however. I remembered what being happy felt like, what satisfaction truly was. A large chunk of my melancholy was replaced with anger, the sort that makes people strive to better themselves. Fighting with the thoughts plaguing my mind I slowly began exploring again; reading, taking time to enjoy nature, chatting with friends. Doing things for my own sake, not the sake of others, for once. I began writing. A book idea I had, Hardwired, was still as fresh and pervasive in my mind as the day it was conceived, and it transformed into a war game, then a role-playing game. I found myself able to work on a design with intent for the first time in two years, writing over 80 pages of content for it in a mere month. I take pride in this work, even with it being in-progress still. One day I hope to publish it for others to enjoy. 

With this rediscovery of writing and design, I’ve been having a series of epiphanies, mostly too individualized to myself to be of any use to you, dear reader, but they’ve been essential all the same. My drive is back, and as I relearn how to work with my body and habits I am getting stronger. I plan to continue my pursuit of writing Hardwired, and additionally plan to seek out meaningful employment, where my contribution fundamentally matters to my society. I have three fundamental goals which I will be prioritizing in the coming months while my black dog is on its leash: continuing the design process of writing Hardwired, seeking out meaningful work in either a useful design field (one that isn’t purely profit driven) or in writing useful discourse, and finding a means of leaving this country to one which will better suit my desires to truly make a difference. America is my homeland, nothing can change that, but I’d rather leave now before I become completely enslaved by debts and ties, unable to purchase land or start a community service. 

I’m thinking Eastern Europe (provided the war calms down) or South America. 

I’ll be using this blog again as a means of recording project progress, uploading what is useful or interesting to me and letting my thoughts develop further. This will be a good experience.